Off Topic

This might be a little off-topic, but it's on my mind:

A couple nights ago there was a fight across the street from our house, involving a pretty drunk guy and three other guys that didn't seem as drunk.  I stood and watched it from behind the safety of our mini-blinds, and for the first time in a really long time, I was pretty scared.

I'm not really a person who gets scared at stuff like that.  Usually my mind goes blank a little bit and I'm out there in the fray before I even have a plan of how to address whatever situation it is.  There was the time that I saw the aftermath of a guy pushing his girlfriend to the ground and I made it across the 4-lane road in record time, only to be face-to-face with him for a stare-down.  Then there was the time I was working security at college and took off after a guy loudly berating his 'woman'.

But this time I just froze!  I literally froze.  I moved enough to call 911, but hung up before it even rang because I thought the guys were gone (then they showed up again and that was when the actual fight was).

What really paralyzed me in that moment, and I remember thinking this at the time, was just seeing the senseless violence.  To me, there was no reason for these 3 guys to beat this 1 guy up.  And he was drunk!  In that moment of indecision, I saw a world where there were no social rules, no mores that would keep one person from beating and killing another person for literally no apparent reason.

I was stuck with that image (and have had it nagging me since) where there are people who have no desire for the well-being of someone else.  It was one of those 'why did we bring a little baby into such a world' sort of moments.

I don't know how this ties into anything.  And frankly, I'm embarrassed to admit another of my weaknesses here on the interwebs.  It's hard for me to even type this with my wife in the room, though she promised she wasn't reading it (she will read it in a minute when I'm finished, as she does for all posts).  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Where has that gallant, fool-hardy young man gone?  When did I turn into this scared weakling?  And how does that reflect on the model of manliness I want - I need - to set for Hoss?  And in light of all the other guys I know, this example is pretty condemning compared to the ballsy stuff they do.  Or at least what I think they do.

I don't know...again.  Right now I think Hoss would read this and be ashamed of me.  Or maybe it was the best thing to do.  My wife tells me that I have a family now and that I froze because I didn't want to put them in danger inadvertently.  Maybe that's it.  But I still can't help but feel less of a man.