Back!

Firstly, I apologize.

These past few weeks (dare I say, months) were rough ones.  Well, only really rough because I thought no one was reading this blog and it didn't matter if I wrote or not.  So, pretty much just a self-pity party.  It has now concluded.

Everything is pretty much the same as it was when I last wrote.  Hoss is cutting his two-year molars, so that is really difficult.  He is just a total other child with a completely different temperament when he's teething.  We gave him some children's pain medicine, albeit very infrequently.

I watched a TED podcast - which I'm still not sure I understand what TED is - about raising our children to be entrepreneurs.  I envy those with the entrepreneurial spirit, but not enough to want to emulate them.  Too much risk-taking for me.

The speaker had some interesting tips, though, on how to teach financial responsibility.  Such as not giving allowances, but having his children go around the house and find things they think he would want to pay them to do.  And then he would negotiate prices with them.  I wish I would have learned those skills.

Another suggestion that stuck with me was about only reading stories every other night or only a few nights a week.  The other nights you should just give a handful of random props and have your child(ren) come up with a story themselves.

It was pretty interesting, but I ended it after a while only because I have no desire for entrepreneurial ventures.

You can watch the whole thing here or download the podcast here (link will prompt to launch iTunes).

Sorry this isn't very long, but it's a start back up to daily posting.

And a belated Happy Father's day to all the dad's out there.

Off Topic

This might be a little off-topic, but it's on my mind:

A couple nights ago there was a fight across the street from our house, involving a pretty drunk guy and three other guys that didn't seem as drunk.  I stood and watched it from behind the safety of our mini-blinds, and for the first time in a really long time, I was pretty scared.

I'm not really a person who gets scared at stuff like that.  Usually my mind goes blank a little bit and I'm out there in the fray before I even have a plan of how to address whatever situation it is.  There was the time that I saw the aftermath of a guy pushing his girlfriend to the ground and I made it across the 4-lane road in record time, only to be face-to-face with him for a stare-down.  Then there was the time I was working security at college and took off after a guy loudly berating his 'woman'.

But this time I just froze!  I literally froze.  I moved enough to call 911, but hung up before it even rang because I thought the guys were gone (then they showed up again and that was when the actual fight was).

What really paralyzed me in that moment, and I remember thinking this at the time, was just seeing the senseless violence.  To me, there was no reason for these 3 guys to beat this 1 guy up.  And he was drunk!  In that moment of indecision, I saw a world where there were no social rules, no mores that would keep one person from beating and killing another person for literally no apparent reason.

I was stuck with that image (and have had it nagging me since) where there are people who have no desire for the well-being of someone else.  It was one of those 'why did we bring a little baby into such a world' sort of moments.

I don't know how this ties into anything.  And frankly, I'm embarrassed to admit another of my weaknesses here on the interwebs.  It's hard for me to even type this with my wife in the room, though she promised she wasn't reading it (she will read it in a minute when I'm finished, as she does for all posts).  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Where has that gallant, fool-hardy young man gone?  When did I turn into this scared weakling?  And how does that reflect on the model of manliness I want - I need - to set for Hoss?  And in light of all the other guys I know, this example is pretty condemning compared to the ballsy stuff they do.  Or at least what I think they do.

I don't know...again.  Right now I think Hoss would read this and be ashamed of me.  Or maybe it was the best thing to do.  My wife tells me that I have a family now and that I froze because I didn't want to put them in danger inadvertently.  Maybe that's it.  But I still can't help but feel less of a man.

Lasting Effects

Here is a link to a great Harvard article about crying it out:

Children Need Touching and Attention

It is from 1998, which was a little surprising to me.  I figured that something from a prestigious place would warrant a little faster change in the way we'd live.  But 12 years later and it is still commonplace, if not just flat out encouraged, to let your child cry themselves to sleep at night.

When Hoss was first born and I was back at work, there were a couple well-meaning mothers who told me how hard it was to let their kids cry it out, but it was worth it (the independence the children were learning).  I think the end result isn't really the independence we think it gives, and this article really covers that.

I don't really have much more insight tonight, sorry!  So I think I'll wrap it up here for now.  If you have any comments, please leave them below!  Also, check out some of the blogs I'm following for more great topics.

Thanks again and God bless....

Where We Be, Part II

This might be a series of posts, because I don't think all my feelings on it can fit into one post.

Piggybacking on the last part of this series, why do we have children's church again?

Before you answer that semi-rhetorical question, let me give you a little background on my wife and I: we both have worked to some extent in children's church ministry for probably a combined 10 years or more (depending on my wife's time working in it).  And that ranges from just showing up on Sundays to help in nursery or actual kid's church to running the children's church service or outreach.  We have interned twice in a children's ministry, once at a mega-church with a very large attendance to a medium-sized church with a decent amount of kids.  We've used purchased curriculum and we've made up our own.  Ok, I could keep going, and I think you get the point: we know a considerable amount about children's church.

So when I ask, why do we have children's church, please understand that I do not ask it flippantly.

A very good friend of ours that we have worked extensively with in children's church has often said that children's ministry should have a lot more parental involvement.  He has often shared his vision of having a children's church that had more parents taking the wheel of their child's spiritual development, rather than giving that duty to someone else.  I think it is safe to say, that for him, he would probably do away with a separate kid's church and just have everyone together for church service.

He is more of a realist than we are, I think, and is working within the entrenched system of parents dropping off kids and going to worship alone.

So that makes me question the whole idea of it.  What is the real reason for children's church?

I guess I should also define it, sorry:  the children's church I speak of is where you would show up to church a little early, take your kids (whatever age) to a children's area and drop them off in a nursery, toddler room, or big kid's area where they will have a service that is designed for their developmental level (meaning a lot of games and fast worship songs, etc.).  Then you go to adult service and then come back, pick them up, and hopefully talk about what they learned.

Typing that out makes me doubt that my wife and I are doing things right, because it sounds perfectly reasonable to do that, right?  I mean, what kind of nut am I that I would want to change that?  It gives kids the opportunity to learn something (at least at the toddler plus levels) about the Bible and get some energy out in the process.  And you get to enjoy a service without having to reign in a wandering child.

I don't know.  I might be talking nonsense.  But, if you will allow me some nonsense, we should take a small detour and explore this a little.  I think I'll take a break here and come back with some more quandaries in the next installment of this series.  I don't think this will be a daily thing, but check back and I'll try to daisy chain these bad boys together for organization's sake.

What do you think so far?  What has been your experience with children's church?  Or do you have a different model of children's church that your place of ministry follows?  Please leave me your insights in the comments below!  I would love to hear them.

Thanks for reading and God bless...

The Other Adult

In the most recent issue of Parents magazine (March 2010), there is a pretty insightful article about reading your partner's mind (or lack thereof).

I really liked it/learned a lot because it took about 3 different things that fathers would like the mothers to know and then vice versa.  I read the father's things first (not on purpose - I didn't really know what I was getting into), and they were pretty spot on.  It covered a few of the feelings I've had as a new father: working more because I feel a new weight of responsibility of a baby; needing to take 10 minutes to play a video game to defuse my day; and a third one I don't remember right now, even though I literally just finished reading the article (but it's in the other room and too far away for me to go get: Laziness - 1, Productivity - 0).

On the flip side - the things mothers wish fathers would know - the main theme I was picking up on seemed to be lending a helping hand around the house.  Whether it is with baby duties or house duties, anything to alleviate the mother's immense workload would be helpful.

I definitely do not do enough of that.  And I was trying to think of things I can help out with more.  I've shared in previous posts about feeling helpless when Hoss only wants my wife (such as nursing).  Perhaps chipping in more than I'm doing now will help with remove that feeling, as well as help my wife with not feeling overwhelmed.  I should start washing the dishes.  We don't have a dishwasher, and my sometimes OCD nature makes washing dishes for me a very very long chore.  And painful, because I need the water to be freaking hot.  In the end, however, we have pretty clean dishes, if I may say so.

Or, I could finally install the free dishwasher we have sitting in our kitchen (so, sorry, we do technically have a dishwasher).  Someone at work was joking with me that it will make a good Mother's Day gift (hooking it up), even though we got it on Valentine's Day.  I'm starting to think she might be right.

Anyhow, it was a great article that it also helped me see afresh my wife's needs.  It can be really easy, I think, to slip into a comfortable routine, even though it may not be comfortable for everyone.  But you get tired enough that good enough is good enough.  And while that is great for housework, our relationship needs more than 'good enough.'

So, my wife, this is my public apology for not helping out enough around the house.  It is also my public commitment to make a purposeful effort to help you more around the house.  Even though you always tell me that you want me to come home and be able to just rest (and I absolutely love that about you), I want to bless you too and give you more freedom.  I'm sorry Sweetheart for not being more diligent about helping you.  I love you and appreciate all the hard work and sacrifice that you give for our family.  You are literally the best mother in the world.

To everyone else reading, how do you tackle the sometimes tangled housework/baby duty list?  Do you have a method that has worked in helping everyone keep some sanity?  Please share your ideas in the comments below!

Thanks for reading and God bless...

Where We Be

We went to church tonight for Good Friday service, and service was great.


But it was also challenging to be there.  


One possible reason is:  my wife and Hoss have been staying home on Sunday mornings while I go to church.  We agreed on this arrangement because we felt it was appropriate for this stage of our lives.  When we know Hoss is farther along cognitively, we can work with him to understand the differences in social settings so he can know when to be still and when to be active.


Also, factoring in his personality, it would be crazy to keep up with him while at church:  he's a bit of a climber.  And explorer.


Tonight, however, we all went to church together.  And keeping up with Hoss was challenging, but nothing less of what was to be expected.


I think a more challenging part of tonight was the overwhelming feeling of being judged.  I didn't say anything to my wife, but when we left, she put into words exactly what I had felt while there.


Perhaps we are just in a defensive mindset.  I mean, anyone reading this can probably go back and count all the posts I've written that involve me (or both of us) feeling judged by one person or another.  So maybe it isn't really the people who are making us feel this way.


Maybe it is just us.


I guess we are a pretty sensitive couple, and I've often lamented how overly sensitive I can be.  It usually makes for more complication that is necessary, I've found.


Or it could be that they really were judging us.  I guess it doesn't really matter.  We won't ever find out (thankfully), and even if we did, what difference would it be to us?


Now we are re-visiting the idea of finding a different church to attend.  Our area, however, isn't very conducive for that.  Not for lack of options, but lack of options that would fit our lifestyle.  Here is my idea of the church we would probably do well in, right now:

• Something a lot like where we attend now (doctrinally and so forth)
• You can keep your children with you in service, and no one cares

I guess that's pretty much it: just wanting a place where children are not considered a burden.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize we probably aren't going to find that anywhere, much less here.

Do you know of a church like that?  If you attend church, have you found it difficult with wanting to keep your children with you in service?  Or is it just crazy that we should even ask for something like that?  Isn't that what children's church is for?  Please let me know what you think in the comments section!  I'd love to hear your view.


Thanks and God bless...


-Update-
    Here is the other part(s) of this series:
    Where We Be, Part II

Comparisons

My wife is babysitting a friend's 17 month old for a couple days this week.  We thought it would be pretty easy because Hoss is 19 months and they would be relatively close in development so playtime would be great.  But after the first two days, it is harder than we had imagined.

What was the hardest, though, was not comparing our two children.

While playing outside, for instance, Hoss will start walking from the sidewalk onto the parkway, which is not allowed.  And he knows this, as we have directed him away from it consistently and told him that he can stay on the sidewalk or in the yard.

So when he steps foot on the parkway, it only took a 'Hoss!', to which he turned around, and then a shaking of my head 'No'.  He (after an age-reasonable hesitation, which I didn't not rush him through) turned around and played back in the yard.

The other baby, however, would run into the street!  And my wife tells me that she thought he might have hearing issues because he would rarely turn and acknowledge her when she called his name.  It is to the point where we are wondering if we should say something to the parents about our concerns.

I don't know how I'd react if someone said something (well, if you've read my other posts, it's pretty clear how I'd react, I think) about our child that was unfounded.  But if it was a real issue, though, I would be so happy they brought it to our attention.

Either way, we are very grateful for our son and the time that we've been given and we've invested in graceful, consistent discipline.  As my wife put it, 'Hoss knows that we mean what we say.'  And it's true!  He knows that if he continues to do something that he shouldn't (i.e. walking further onto the parkway) then I will get up and help him obey (by moving him to the yard and reminding him that the parkway is off limits).

Another great part about today was when we had to go inside after having a lot of fun playing and going on a walk.  Hoss was tired and did not want to go in.  But it was getting late and he needed to get ready for bed.  So we told him that we are going in.  And he cried.  A few months ago I would have hurried him in before the neighbors saw/heard him, all the while thinking, 'They will think we are horrible parents!'

But this time he walked himself to the porch (still crying), up the stairs - with help (still crying), and into the house (still crying), and straight on to the bed (still crying and with his coat and shoes still on).  It was so sad to see/hear.

But did you see what happened?  He did exactly as we asked him to do.  All the while we told him that it must be really frustrating to have to stop playing and having fun.  We told him that his feelings were definitely valid.  And we let him express his feelings of dislike for what we asked.

But he did it.  So there was no fighting.  No heavy-handed pushing him around.  I think we communicated that we will respect his feelings, even if they are not pleasant (to us).  And I think that will help him in all the stages of his life:  knowing that his big feelings are not bad things, but what you do with those big feelings is what matters.

Also, on a final note of comparison: I checked out this other parent's blog (the one who pretty heavily advocates Babywise and morality training and whatever else) and felt pretty miserly in comparison.  She has a bunch of cool widgets and shiny technological hoobajoobs, and I don't.  So I guess comparing isn't very helpful.  What goes around...