Thursday, March 4, 2010
Last night my wife hangs out with a couple other women, and one of the husbands comes over and watches all 4 children with me. That's 4 children age 3 (just turned) and under. It's a great time for my wife to get out of the house and connect with other moms. It is much needed time for her and I'm very grateful for it.
That being said....
The other guy that I'm babysitting with drives me crazy! I mean, I love him, but his style of parenting seems really detached. During that time I felt like he wasn't too concerned with what the kids were doing (though 2 were his). Most of the time he did other things than babysit, and it seemed like he was allowing himself to be easily distracted, which I can understand with so many kids around.
These parents have been punitively punishing their oldest since she was pretty young, and in my opinion, asking too much of her for her age. And then punishing when she doesn't/can't do what they demand.
They would definitely be on the opposite side of the parenting style we have chosen, in other words.
Since they have two kids, and have been at it longer than we have, there is a sense that they know better than we do about parenting. Or at least we feel that way. So last night when I'm running around and playing with them and he is sitting back, watching, I start to get feeling as though he might be trying to show me how it is supposed to be done.
Something would happen - his youngest would chew on a toy, for instance - and he would just use his voice to correct/direct his kids. That's come at a price for his kids, however. His oldest, though age appropriate in behavior, has a fierce anger streak. She definitely knows that you can hit when you are upset enough at someone.
That's one of the things that my wife and I are teaching Hoss: if you need to hit something, you can clap your hands or do your angry dance. Those are both her ideas, and they are great. We are still teaching it, but he is really growing in his ability to express his big feelings in a way that doesn't hurt anyone.
Anyway, sorry for this rant. It's hard enough feeling judged by most everyone else when your child throws a fit and you don't smack them to show them who is in charge. It can get tiring when you keep getting the looks of disapproval when you let your child explore his environment while the other kids get finger-flicked when they touch the wrong things.
I think I needed to vent my frustration at is 'hands off' approach I saw last night. And the frustrating part is that he seems to have everything together as a dad! But when I see his oldest flip out and he reacts in a way worse than her...you start to see the ridiculousness of it. Plus, why would I ever want to teach my children that you can hurt other people because they are bothering you with their actions?
This post started at being purposely detached as a father, but moved toward my feelings toward punitive punishment. And people feel so strongly that you should be hitting your children! That would baffle me, had I not been in that mindset naught 3 years ago. Thank God that we aren't thinking that way any more.
I guess time will be the test at whether not spanking and all the other harder choices you make in grace-based discipline will be rewarding. But I can already see differences between the two worlds, and I know that this is the best path for us.
What are your feelings about spanking? What other techniques have you used to curb/direct improper actions?
That being said....
The other guy that I'm babysitting with drives me crazy! I mean, I love him, but his style of parenting seems really detached. During that time I felt like he wasn't too concerned with what the kids were doing (though 2 were his). Most of the time he did other things than babysit, and it seemed like he was allowing himself to be easily distracted, which I can understand with so many kids around.
These parents have been punitively punishing their oldest since she was pretty young, and in my opinion, asking too much of her for her age. And then punishing when she doesn't/can't do what they demand.
They would definitely be on the opposite side of the parenting style we have chosen, in other words.
Since they have two kids, and have been at it longer than we have, there is a sense that they know better than we do about parenting. Or at least we feel that way. So last night when I'm running around and playing with them and he is sitting back, watching, I start to get feeling as though he might be trying to show me how it is supposed to be done.
Something would happen - his youngest would chew on a toy, for instance - and he would just use his voice to correct/direct his kids. That's come at a price for his kids, however. His oldest, though age appropriate in behavior, has a fierce anger streak. She definitely knows that you can hit when you are upset enough at someone.
That's one of the things that my wife and I are teaching Hoss: if you need to hit something, you can clap your hands or do your angry dance. Those are both her ideas, and they are great. We are still teaching it, but he is really growing in his ability to express his big feelings in a way that doesn't hurt anyone.
Anyway, sorry for this rant. It's hard enough feeling judged by most everyone else when your child throws a fit and you don't smack them to show them who is in charge. It can get tiring when you keep getting the looks of disapproval when you let your child explore his environment while the other kids get finger-flicked when they touch the wrong things.
I think I needed to vent my frustration at is 'hands off' approach I saw last night. And the frustrating part is that he seems to have everything together as a dad! But when I see his oldest flip out and he reacts in a way worse than her...you start to see the ridiculousness of it. Plus, why would I ever want to teach my children that you can hurt other people because they are bothering you with their actions?
This post started at being purposely detached as a father, but moved toward my feelings toward punitive punishment. And people feel so strongly that you should be hitting your children! That would baffle me, had I not been in that mindset naught 3 years ago. Thank God that we aren't thinking that way any more.
I guess time will be the test at whether not spanking and all the other harder choices you make in grace-based discipline will be rewarding. But I can already see differences between the two worlds, and I know that this is the best path for us.
What are your feelings about spanking? What other techniques have you used to curb/direct improper actions?
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